Nationally televised parenting awards should be a thing

By Helene Cohen Bludman

You’ve got your Emmys, your Oscars, your Tonys…but what about awards for everyday parents whose acting chops rival the most lauded of thespians? For their dazzling displays of genius in the face of runny noses and interrupted sleep, the award goes to…

Best Comedic Performance While Trying to Maintain a Straight Face: Larry LeMaster of Des Moines, Iowa for stumbling through “the talk” with his seven-year-old son Lucas while Lucas placed his hands over his ears, squinted his eyes shut, and screamed “la-la-la” 100 times.

Rapid Performance in a Sexual Scene that Defies Credulity: The winners are Andrew and Sandra Thomas of Miami, Florida, for achieving foreplay and climax during their toddler’s four-minute nap.

Outstanding Performance in a Dramatic Role When Profanity is Called for but Inappropriate: Betsy Rutherford of Plano, Texas, for admirable restraint and profound hand-wringing when she discovered her four-year-old daughter, Emily, used permanent marker on the new dining room chairs.

Creativity in Scene Design in a Potty Training Setting: To Sally Witherspoon of Nutley, New Jersey, for agreeing to bring Allie’s six stuffed animals, her iPad streaming Frozen as well as a Tupperware of dry Cheerios, if Allie agreed to make a poopy in the potty.

Outstanding Use of Deception in a Harrowing Confrontation with a Six-Year-Old: To Sam Livingston of Portland, Maine, for denying to his son that he had gotten a replacement fish, because that fish in the bowl does not look like Goldie the goldfish.

Achievement in Delivering a Soliloquy in a Darkened Room to a Critical Audience: The award goes to Sonia Schwartz of Nyack, New York, who can recite the entire Cat in the Hat oeuvre by heart, while her toddler Ariana refuses to go to sleep and corrects Sonia if she makes the slightest mistake.

Convincingly Persuasive Argument Delivered to a Precocious Three-Year-Old Who Knows His Numbers: Roberta Nyles of Reno, Nevada, for telling Parker that the expiration date looks like it says 2016 but the 6 is really an 8 and even if it wasn’t no one has ever died from eating a desiccated frozen waffle.

Best Use of Animation While Losing One’s Breath and One’s Cool Simultaneously: The winner is William Wilson of Oshkosh, who ran up and down the steps three times looking for Dylan’s missing shoe, which ended up being under the living room couch where Dylan hid it because he does not want to go to Grandma’s today.

Unique Use of Improv When Stopped for Exceeding the Speed Limit: Kudos to Jonathan Frank of Falls Church, Virginia, who apologized to the police officer for going too fast and continued yammering throughout little Alexandra’s repeated question, “Is he a dumbass, Daddy?”

Artistic Cinematography that Captures a lot of Blue Sky and Drops of Water: The award goes to Mel Abbott of Tenafly, New Jersey, for holding his iPhone camera too high, thus capturing two hours of pool water splashes during the day-camp swim meet.

Visual Effects with the Use of Meat and Misleading Tactics: To Meredith McClain of Springfield, Virginia, for manipulating her kid’s vegetable intake by hiding the peas in the meatballs. Little Caroline took one tentative bite and spit out peas and meatballs alike, creating a Jackson Pollockian tableau of brown, red and green on the kitchen floor and also in her mother’s face. Meredith’s ability to refrain from gagging was extraordinary.

Helene Cohen Bludman is a freelance writer and digital marketer. Now an empty nester, she lavishes her mothering skills on the three family pets.

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