Melinda Wenner Moyer is the author of Hello, Cruel World! She recently shared her insights with us about her book and her writing process, and here’s what she revealed:

1. What does your book title mean/how did you come up with the title?  

Hello, Cruel World! refers to the idea that kids today are being born (Hello) into a messy and sometimes unfair world (Cruel World). It’s a play on the phrase Goodbye, Cruel World, which is the title of an Elvis Costello album and a Pink Floyd song, among other things, and is supposedly a phrase that has been used in suicide notes. Sorry, that’s dark, I know! I wanted the title to reflect the anxiety and panic many parents today feel as they ponder how to raise kids in such a complex world. And I wanted the subtitle—Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times—to feel more positive and solutions-based. Ultimately, I think of my book as a hopeful book, one that will help concerned parents feel more in control and more confident that they can nurture in their kids the skills they’ll need to survive—and thrive—in this complicated, rapidly-changing world.

2. How long did it take you to write the book? What was the hardest part/most challenging part of the writing process?  

I had less than eight months to report and write this book, so it was a sprint! I wanted to cover a lot of ground, too—each chapter tackles a completely different skill—so the hardest part was getting all the research done in time. I wanted to understand what the science says about how various essential skills develop, as well as what parents and caregivers can do to nudge them along. I read thousands of studies and talked to hundreds of experts in many different fields: psychology, sociology, education, addiction, business, finance, media literacy, and more. 

After the research was done, I also had to figure out how to present the information succinctly and share the most useful tips in clear, actionable ways. That was a challenge, too. And I did all of this during a particularly challenging time for me personally—my partner and I decided to separate a few months before my book deadline—so it was a lot to juggle at once. Somehow I got through it!

3. What insights did you gain about the importance of parents modeling healthy habits for their kids, including phone use, rest and leisure, self-compassion and curiosity?

Kids learn so much by observing us. They learn about our values and priorities, and they love to imitate, so they often start picking up our habits, too. We know from the research that when parents use their phones more, kids often follow suit. When we take care of ourselves and give ourselves space for fun and rest, our children learn that they can and should listen to their own needs. And when it comes to teaching kids self-compassion, experts all said the same thing: The most important thing is for parents to have self-compassion, too.

Modeling curiosity is especially important if we want to raise intellectually humble, open-minded kids. Researchers who study polarization told me that children really pay attention when parents are curious, are willing to admit that they don’t have all the answers, and are open to new perspectives. It’s important to show our kids that it’s OK to make mistakes and to change our opinions and beliefs over time as we learn and as circumstances change.

4. Parents often express a desire for their kids to be happy. Based on your research, how would you emphasize the importance of fostering resilience, hope and thoughtfulness in children?

As parents, we sometimes think our job is to ensure that our kids are happy all the time—but the research suggests that when we try to do this, we can paradoxically put our kids’ long-term mental health and well-being at risk. Mental health is not about feeling good all the time; it’s about feeling emotions that are appropriate to the situation and having the coping skills to manage them in healthy ways. One of the best ways for kids to develop these healthy coping skills is by giving them regular opportunities (in a safe context!) to feel discomfort and to have tough feelings—so that they learn, through practice and over time, how to manage them. Tough emotions and situations are part of the human condition; shielding kids from these will only make it harder for them to handle inevitable hiccups later on.

Parents sometimes also underestimate the degree to which skills like compassion and generosity matter for long-term well-being. It’s natural to ask: “How is compassion going to help my kid get ahead in life?”—but the research very clearly shows that empathetic, generous and compassionate kids end up being more happy and successful. These skills help children navigate relationships and interpersonal issues; they are better liked and trusted and are often given more responsibility. Plus, we know that being kind and generous often feels good. Curiosity and hope are other attributes that have long-term benefits. Curiosity fosters intellectual humility and open-mindedness, and a sense of hope and optimism instills a willingness to tackle tough problems. 

I like to think of it this way: Instead of focusing on our kids’ well-being right now, we would do better to think about the kinds of skills and values that will boost their well-being over the long term. Failure, discomfort, and other tough experiences help kids develop the skills that will allow them to navigate the many emotional complexities they’ll encounter throughout their lives. Compassion and empathy will help them build and maintain stronger connections with others. Curiosity and hope will give them a sense of purpose—a desire to understand the world and make it a better place.

5. Was there anything you ended up including in your book that surprised you/you didn’t expect? 

I was surprised by what the research says on the power of listening to kids—like really, truly listening to them. Listening to our children strengthens our connection with them, and often makes them much more willing to listen to us. Studies find that when people feel heard and listened to, they become more humble, more willing to consider other viewpoints, and less polarized in their beliefs. I found this body of research fascinating and hopeful and the take-home is so simple: Tune into your kids, listen to them, and respect what they have to say.  

6. What did you learn about yourself when writing the book? 

I learned that I really need to work on my self-compassion skills! When I dug into the research on self-compassion, I realized that I’m always beating myself up about one thing or another—burning dinner, running late, not getting enough done. It’s so easy to be self-critical. But self-compassion is not a terribly difficult skill to nurture (I get into the nitty gritty of how to do it in chapter one), and when we show ourselves grace in front of our kids, they really do absorb it. I’ve made some good progress on the self-compassion front over the past year, but there’s certainly room for more. 

7.  What books are currently on your nightstand/bedside table?

Right now I’m reading Shift by Ethan Cross, Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson, and Reading for Our Lives by Maya Smart. 

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