By Rachael Holliday

When your child comes running in from the backyard, shouting, “Mommy, mommy! There’s a blue bird!” and you stop loading the dishwasher because they want you to see it, don’t assume that it’s a robin because it is late March in Texas and robins are everywhere. Don’t assume your child can’t tell the difference between blue and grey-brown because of their age. Your child was right, you discover, as you gaze down at the bright blue parakeet sitting under the kumquat tree in your yard, pulling at a blade of grass.

*

It doesn’t matter that you never wanted to have a pet bird. That you dislike the idea of keeping a creature caged whose ability to fly gives it unbridled freedom. Plus, you have two cats.

Because you want to model kindness for your child, you rush to PetSmart for provisions. If the bird is gone by the time you come back, you can return what you bought.

When you ask a store clerk for help, they take you to a variety of cages. You go for the medium-sized cage. Not too expensive but enough room for the bird to move around. You notice a cage that looks like a large Victorian dollhouse. You tell yourself that if this bird thing works out, maybe you’ll return and get it.

*

While at the pet store, you learn how to tell what sex the bird is by the color of their cere, the strip of skin around their nostrils. A gender reveal party: if the cere is blue, a boy bird.

Brownish pink, a girl.

You learn they do better living in pairs. Because you don’t want to buy a second bird, you get a mirror so that your bird will find companionship in their reflection. You also buy a water bottle, feeding tray, food, snacks, and some toys to keep them occupied because, you are informed, parakeets get bored. Also, a couple of perches because it will need something to sit on.

When you return home and find the bird still waddling around your yard, you feel disappointed that you are now committed to this bird’s care. You reach down and lightly grasp the bird in your hand.

You notice its blue cere. “Surprise! It’s a boy!”

*

You look online for name suggestions. Romeo, Elvis, Pete, Beau, or Blue are said to be popular.

“Here,” you say to your child. “You found him. Why don’t you choose his name?”

You have placed the cage on a table in the living room. Your child is slightly taller than the table. They place their clasped hands on the table, rest their chin on them, and stare at the bird. They stare and stare, then smile. A smile a child might give before shoving their younger sibling.

“Catbird.”

You realize this allusion to birds as prey for cats is their first joke.

*

You celebrate your child’s fourth birthday. When you return from the party, you see the bird lying on the bottom of his cage, nestled in the torn newspaper. His eyes are closed, green foam coating his beak. You unlatch the cage door, reach in, and grasp the parakeet. He is dead.

You place him back into the cage and rush to the bathroom, grabbing a bath towel. You toss it over the cage before your child walks through the door. When they ask why the cage is covered, you say, “Catbird is taking a nap.”

You said you would never lie to your child, and here you are. After you distract your child with their new toys, you whisper to your husband what happened.

When you tell him to go buy a body double at the pet store, and he questions you why, ask him, “Do you think a birthday is a day to learn about death?”

He goes to the store.

He texts, “There’s only one blue one; the rest are yellow, but it’s a girl.”

“Get it anyway.”

You make the switch without your child seeing and place Catbird One in a small box that you hide in the laundry room.

You decide to bury him in the yard during the night. Guilt fills you with each spadeful of dirt you scoop. You wonder if you are doing the right thing and ask yourself what might happen if your child discovers your deceit.

You carry on with your plan, desperate to create happy memories for your child so they will not be like you when they grow up. It will take many years before you accept that you can never shield your child from pain. They would still get hurt even if you could insulate them completely from the world. Hurt by you.

*

Your goal is to have your parakeet comfortable with spending time out of their cage and socializing with you. Build trust with your parakeet by gradually spending more and more time with them each day. Once comfortable in your presence, teach them to perch on your finger and encourage them to eat millet from your hand.

You try these steps with Catbird Two. Weeks pass, and she refuses to perch on anyone’s finger. She ignores the millet in favor of nipping your palm.

In the morning, you find her sitting on the kitchen floor. You return from the grocery store and see her perched on a chair rung in the dining room. You see a flash of blue out of the corner of your eye when you watch tv and turn to see Catbird Two has joined you in the living room.

You learn to put on an oven mitt before scooping up the bird and putting her back in the cage. You appreciate her desire to roam free but prefer her not to get eaten by the cats.

Nothing you do keeps her in the cage. The bars are too small to squeeze through, the door is tied shut, and she still escapes.

You give up the fight when you see Catbird Two pecking and pulling the cats’ tails, and their response is to flee.

You get used to seeing your child followed by a little blue bird around the house.

You will never figure out how she gets out of the cage.

Years will pass. When you and your child bury Catbird Two, you will have a small ceremony and place a large stone on the grave. There is no grave marker to honor Catbird One, but you will always know where the body is buried.

Rachael Holliday is a writer and photographer. She lives in Houston, TX and when she is not acting as the family chauffeur, she is at work on an essay collection. You can find more of her writing and photography at rachaelholliday.com.

Like what you are reading at Motherwell? Please consider supporting us here. 

Keep up with Motherwell on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and via our newsletter.